Yet another sleeve of cookies

By David Grima | Feb 21, 2019

Here at Gothic News Service, we leave no stone unturned in our efforts to bring you the very latest, most up-to-date, and most gruesome news from across our nation.

To accomplish this unmatched delivery of news, we employ a number of highly trained and skilled newshounds, and today’s breaking news arises directly from the tireless efforts of our Internet bureau chief, Uncle Frank.

(You have heard of him before, perhaps? He’s the guy who can also do a flawless impersonation of a Thanksgiving Day parade float, including appearing to inflate himself to vast proportions and bump into innocent lampposts.)

Using words originally published online by the British Broadcasting Corporation in October 2012 (I told you were a timely news outfit), Uncle Frank reveals to us a great horror from the West Coast:

“Terry Vance Garner, 69, went to feed his animals last Wednesday on his farm by the coast, but never returned.

“His dentures and pieces of his body were found by a family member in the pig enclosure, but the rest of his remains had been consumed.

“The Coos County District Attorney's Office said that one of the animals had previously bitten Garner.

“The animals are estimated by the authorities to each weigh about 700 lb (320kg).”

The story drones on a bit longer, but I think you get the general idea. In the words of many a great newspaper editor, more facts would be superfluous.

* * * * *

Furthermore, just to prove that everything we read on the Internet is 100 percent accurate, I here publish a snippet describing myself, which I found on a website calling itself mylife.com:

“David Grima was born on June 9, 1958, and is 60 years old. David's Reputation Score is 3.33. Currently, David lives in Rockland, ME. Sometimes David goes by various nicknames including David M. Grima and David Michael Grima. David's present occupation is listed as an Employment & Training Specialist at Maine Department of Labor.”

Well that first part seems reasonably accurate, although I have no idea what the Reputation Score means. Is it good or bad? Personally, I never thought much of my reputation, and certainly never understood it.

The second part, however, is a little dubious, but only so far as the stated facts go:

“Personal details about David include: political affiliation is unknown; ethnicity is Pacific Islander; and religious views are listed as Other. David is now married. Other family members and associates include James York, Christie Mcleod, Lillian Pomroy, Patricia Mcleod and Deirdre Felton. David's annual salary is under $10K; properties and other assets push David's net worth over less than $1.”

I can’t help it if they claim my net worth is over less than a buck. Their words, not mine, but on the whole fairly accurate.

As to being a Pacific Islander, I should be so lucky. And if indeed I am married, then I seem to have overlooked the fact. If my wife is reading, please accept my apologies for all these years I have been AWOL. I will be home as soon as I can discover where you live. And who you are. (Possibly I could Google you?)

I am fairly sure I have never heard of those people with whom I am reported to be related or associated, although I suppose I could be wrong. When I was a teenager, for example, I was convinced for many years that Bob Dylan was dead, and this was long before the Internet. I think I misread something in Reader’s Digest.

Nevertheless, I think we can draw some useful interim conclusions about the overall quality of information supplied via the Internet. The stuff that is correct can be considered to be highly accurate and reliable for all purposes, whereas the rest is a load of rubbish.

* * * * *

I heard last week that the public effort to assist local Coast Guard personnel and their families during Lord Prez Trumpleton’s recent unpaid work-experience program, worked out rather nicely.

It was reported to me that gift cards worth $28,000 were donated by members of the community, along with a further $49,000 in cash. Beyond this, many local businesses made direct donations of goods, etc.

I believe the people of the Hampton Inn in Thomaston (located where Dave’s Restaurant used to be) were involved in this collection effort. Well done, everybody.

* * * * *

As I sit up here on top of the concrete towers at the foot of Mechanic Street, where I am forced to live, I find my mind turning inevitably to the serious question of when my annual Girl Scout cookie order will arrive, as it is that time of year again.

Many years ago, in the legendary time when The Courier-Gazette was a mighty organ for the collection and dissemination – three times a week! – of everything that happened in Knox County and the Surrounding Islands, two people of my acquaintance were involved in a Girl Scout cookie scam that reduced a small girl to tears, and which was never fully explained to a horrified public until now.

It happened this way.

A large quantity of Girl Scout cookies had arrived at the newspaper office over on Park Drive, when it was located where the lighthouse museum is today. A proud and diligent father in the ad department was distributing his daughter’s merchandise to all who had paid for it, although quite naturally he had reserved a stock to be taken home and consumed by his family.

Enter two mischievous imps employed by the ad department whom I will identify only as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, both fully intent upon mischief.

Observing that the stash of homeward-bound cookies was unsupervised during a lunch break, they carefully removed a sleeve of Thin Mints (or whatever flavor it was) and emptied it completely. Then they filled the sleeve with items of relatively useless swag from the supply closet.

This was back in the days when supplies could be removed freely by anyone who thought they needed something, whereas I remember a later and more rigorous regime that insisted we sign for each rubber band, pencil and paper clip.

So, the sleeve of swag was re-sealed and re-inserted into the cookie carton, and was duly taken home along with all the others destined for family consumption.

It was weeks, perhaps months, later when the story filtered back to the ad department about the trauma caused when the poor girl went to the freezer for yet another sleeve of cookies, but instead came up with a shower of paper clips, etc.

In support of the truth of this ghastly tale, I can report with confidence that it has never appeared on the Internet.

Furthermore, I believe the statute of limitations on this horrid deed has long expired.

Comments (2)
Posted by: Drucinda Woodman | Feb 22, 2019 13:38

David,

As to your known relatives & associates:hint, your neighbors on (blank) street



Posted by: Mary A McKeever | Feb 21, 2019 16:59

Well David, a good read but not your usual.....snow here in AZ....



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