The Real Big Q

By David Grima | Aug 09, 2018

What really happened is that the Russians hacked in to the Lobster Festival and planted Fake Facebook News about the Sea Goddess, and the festival committee in its innocence swallowed it all – hook, line and sinker – and fired the Sea Goddess.

I don’t know how much more of this stuff we will have to put up with before somebody somewhere admits that Russia is now more or less running things in the States. They do it by breaking into the Internet and sending false signals and fake facts to your breakfast table, ladies and gentlemen, and then you get all irate because you believe their false information, and as a result you go out and do exactly what the Russians want.

Ever felt manipulated? You should. According to my secret sources, just as one example, the average American shopper now buys 14 items a day that have been specifically selected by the Kremlin.

Already the mid-term Congressional elections this fall are under a cloud of suspicion for this very reason, meaning that any electronic ballot anywhere in the whole USA is liable to be changed by the Wicked Russkies to favor their preferred candidates (patsies who are already on the Kremlin payroll) and their preferred anti-US policies.

It is our inability to keep our eye on the ball that makes us such easy victims.

For example, the Real Big Q about the Sea Goddess scandal is not “How could the festival committee be so unprotective of their organization’s public reputation?” which is what everyone is so vexed about for some reason, but “Who sent the so-called incriminating evidence to the committee?”

Track down the offending party, and you will find yourself in possession of the actual facts. But as long as we remain focused on the festival committee members, the real guilty party will fade into the background, as is surely the plan.

The plain fact is that Lord Prez Trumpleton himself told me after church on Sunday that he and his Russkie pal, Vlad of Moscow, met in Finland last month to formally place bets on who would win the Sea Goddess contest, and how long this person would remain Sea Goddess before being removed.

Unfortunately our beloved president again underestimated the Kremlin. His money was on a long and drawn-out grand jury investigation/witch hunt, followed by an indictment of the Sea Goddess around 2020, and then a flashy show trial the next year.

I won’t even begin to describe what he is now obliged to give the Russians as a result of losing that bet.

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Back in June I mentioned having seen a June bug, but now I wonder if it might have been some lesser beetle instead.

See, some of us still care about facts and about correcting our mistakes.

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There is a heap of copies of the Rockland District High School yearbook, The Cauldron, on the lunch counter at the ‘Keag Store in South Thomaston. The newest one I saw was for 1962, and others date back to the ‘50s, ‘40s, et cetera.

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The Navy ship that visited during the Maine Lobster Scandal Festival was named after a famous battle during the Vietnam War, in case you were wondering. The fighting in Hue City in 1968 was a bloodbath for the Marines and for the Bad Guys.

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Is baseball on its way out as America’s national sport?

I heard a story to this effect on public radio a few months ago. Then this Monday morning my dear friend Terrible O’Meara (late of the Bangor Dreadful News, and unfortunately also late for the Old Men’s Breakfast Group that day) confessed he had not bothered to stay up to watch the game the night before.

It’s starting to get boring,” he explained, between mouthfuls of coffee and eggs.

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Returning once again to the subject of the Lobster Festival, it is old news that the committee banned all expressions of politics from the parade this year. But they have not yet got around to changing the description of the annual Saturday morning parade on the festival’s website, which (last I looked) still reads as follows:

“The festival parade has for many years drawn the largest crowd of the weekend and often proves to be among the longest parades in Maine during the year. Grand marshals for festival parades have ranged from local, long-time workers for the event to people prominent in state and national politics.”

Well, not any more. The no-politics decision which the committee made earlier this year is a great disappointment to my friend Lord Prez Trumpleton, as he had his poor heart set on being grand marshal next year.

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Saw the new PBS documentary, ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor,’ about Fred Rogers at the Strand last week. His children’s TV show began 50 years ago.

Much food for thought there, especially on the difference between the idea of politics on the large scale (such as we are getting rather bored of seeing for ourselves, I suppose) versus the idea of politics as personal conviction.

And there is another Fred Rogers movie coming out to mark the half-century, this time a drama starring Tom Hanks. The Seattle Times recently said:

“The Fred Rogers drama ‘You Are My Friend’ starring Tom Hanks as the beloved television host is coming to theaters in late 2019.

“Sony Pictures says Wednesday that the film will be released on October 18, 2019. The story is inspired by the real-life friendship between Rogers and journalist Tom Junod…”

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I have been fond of reading biographies since I was a mere lad, and have recently finished books about the monk Thomas Merton and the actor Alec Guinness, for example. But it occurs to me there might also be an opening in the literary market for a special kind of biography, namely a collection of stories about how famous people died.

Possibly this was inspired by the Merton book, as he expired in an exotic manner in Thailand after giving a lecture and then going to take a bath. He was later found with an electric fan lying on him, and all the signs are he was electrocuted after his bath.

My as-yet unwritten book of famous deaths would probably be called a mortography. A particularly interesting list of deaths would include the poet John Donne, (1572-1631) who, several weeks before expiring, got into his shroud to have his portrait painted.

David Grima is a former editor with Courier Publications. He can be reached at

Comments (2)
Posted by: George Chapell | Aug 10, 2018 12:14

The Russians have been running things since Nikita Kruschev claimed they invented ice cream, when we know Howard Johnson invented it. George Chappell

Posted by: Mary A McKeever | Aug 09, 2018 15:35

So morbid. What is this fixation on death? Usually you keep me laughing to the end! Well, David?

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