The grill is closed today

By David Grima | Jul 12, 2018

My Oval Office hotline (two empty orange juice cans and a considerable length of string) was buzzing on Monday morning, with our dear prez hisself on the other end (naturally), offering me the job on the Supreme Court.

I thought about it for a moment and considered all the advantages, which are considerable. Lifetime tenure, great pay (current salary for an associate justice is $244,000 and is bound to go up to a cool quarter-million any time soon), and there’s nobody to yell at you if you feel like not showing up for work half the year.

Stalling for time, I had a 20-minute conversation with the top guy, including remarks about the Trade War with China, in which I had to persuade him that the U.S. Marine Corps will probably play only a minuscule role as these momentous events unfold – he had assumed the Marines could just storm the beaches in Beijing and bring the war to a swift conclusion.

In the end, though, I had to turn down the court job offer. It wasn’t easy. First, I explained that I don’t have a law degree, but the prez didn’t seem to think that would make much difference. He feels personally that expecting credentials and qualifications for important federal jobs is way out of proportion, and that your average Joe ought to be able to handle any of these jobs as well as the next guy.

He let me in on a secret, that the head of the EPA who quit last week had been under the illusion that he was being appointed chairman of Exxon when he was nominated to the environmental agency. That explains a lot. I was advised I shouldn’t worry too much about having traditional skills and abilities for any post the prez might care to offer.

In the end I turned down the Supreme Court job because of my shady past. You see, at age 11, I stole a candy bar from a supermarket, and those grubby liberals are bound to dig up the sordid tale and wave it in my face during confirmation hearings. I’d rather walk on hot coals that have my criminal past exposed to that extent.

The prez said he thinks having a criminal past would be good experience for members of the Supreme Court, as it would help them understand how bad guys get away with things.

At this point the phone line went dead, and I could see that the string had been cut by a cruise ship propeller far out at sea.

I hauled the string back in, fixed the broken end to Arthur Gull’s left ankle, and sent him off to fly it down to Washington with a smart slap to the rump. The connection should be reestablished in a couple of weeks, I imagine.

* * * * *

Here in the South End we are, once more, suffering from Time Slip syndrome, as the Water Street clock is hours off the proper time.

This alleged timepiece is wrong so many times throughout the year that I wonder how much longer we are expected to put up with it.

Sources tell me that we don’t make clocks in the U.S. any more, and the president’s Trade War with China means the nation has put a 50,000 percent tariff on all clocks imported from Beijing, so replacing the South End clock would cost an estimated $50,000.

Who’s got that kind of cash to spare, these days? Hey, maybe some Supreme Court Justice could float us a loan? Just a thought.

* * * * *

I hear that kids playing on Sandy Beach are to be armed with revolvers so they can defend themselves against Mother Nature and her insane animal kingdom, as typified by the rabid otter that bit a vacationer the other day.

Shooting crazed wildlife will also be good practice for them when they go back to school this fall, as they will have to assume full responsible for their own security under our beloved president’s plan to deal with school shootings.

Furthermore, Maine is looking to make firearms proficiency mandatory for any student who wants to graduate from high school.

I understand the bill now on the governor’s desk will be retroactive, meaning all high school diplomas issued in the past 30 years will be declared null and void, until the people involved get a membership in the NRA and show they can shoot a can of beans off a supermarket shelf at five yards.

* * * * *

Talking of supermarkets, a gentleman I bumped into near the bread aisle at Hannaford last week said he understands the Rockland-area high school teams will no longer be known as the Mariners, but will soon become the Biting Otters.

A 12-foot fiberglass otter is being manufactured by a company in the industrial park as we speak, and will be placed on the wall at the high school, where the Fighting Tiger used to be.

I am not sure if any of this is true. The guy who told me seemed to have only a vague grasp on his sanity and, now I think of it, he might also have been a victim of the biting otter.

* * * * *

The weather sure has been fine these past few weeks. In some cases, a bit too fine, I think.

July 5, I drove down Park Street by Dairy Queen on my way back to the concrete towers at the foot of Mechanic Street, where I am forced to live, when I caught sight of a hand-printed sign in the DQ window.

“Due to extreme heat the grill is closed today,” the sign informed us.

I imagine it can get kind of intense for people working over a hot grill or griddle in these temperatures, so this was probably a good call.

* * * * *

The crosswalk between the ‘Keag store and the parking lot by the boat ramp is now almost invisible, as the paint has been worn almost completely away. That didn’t last long, did it? But I have been informed that to repaint the crosswalk would double South Thomaston’s entire annual municipal budget, so don’t hold your breath.

* * * * *

Reporter’s log, Star Date twenty eighteen point zip, orbiting some suspicious-looking planet whose atmosphere seems to be made up of abnormally toxic proportions of vice, cruelty, pride, malice and jealousy, but also a surprising amount of grace:

Remember to admit that you got the date Owls Head was incorporated completely wrong last week, just so they don’t think you’re some kind of scientific genius, or whatever.

Owls Head was incorporated July 9, 1921, and I thank the entire town of Thomaston for pointing that out in a fairly tactful manner.

Comments (2)
Posted by: Mary A McKeever | Jul 13, 2018 16:47

Funny, I was thinking the same thing Ed!


Posted by: Edwin E Ecker | Jul 13, 2018 05:27

Usually funny or mildly amusing but in my opinion you are loosing your edge do to Trump Derangement Syndrome !

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