Let Russia fix it!

By David Grima | Aug 01, 2019

I woke up Monday morning to a world of trouble.

On the news they were talking about the recently reinstated federal death penalty, chaos in Hong Kong as protesters continue to demonstrate against the mainland Chinese, controversy in Singapore as the late leader’s children and the government argue about whether his house should be torn down in accordance with his wishes, further discussion about Russian meddling in U.S. elections (it’s happening right now, says former Special Counsel Robert Mueller), and a slew of unhappy campers at the local cable TV office.

The easiest of these problems to solve would, naturally, be the Russian meddling. For example, the very thought that the Blessed Paula Page could still be governor if it were not for our silly Maine Constitution is so frustrating to many honest Mainers.

Let Russia fix it!

However a certain senator, “Moscow” Mitchovitch McConnellski, does appear to be representing the Russians' angle very well in this matter, which means cleverly preventing any attempt by us to stop their meddling. Basically, Mitchovitch never allows a thing to happen in the Senate without first consulting with Vladimir Putin, Emperor of All the Russians, and good friend of our beloved Lord Prez Trumpleton.

So let’s leave that one for a while, shall we? The federal death penalty could be as easily fixed, I suppose, if you are against it enough. But again, what would Vladimir say, and what would he allow us to do about it?

Obviously, if we resume killing each other (which is to say, killing each other above and beyond the normally acceptable level of day-to-day gun-slaughter), there will be fewer and fewer of us to oppose Vladimir when he eventually chooses to take over here.

Hong Kong’s ills, mostly associated with an irritating desire for a reliable democracy, could possibly be resolved by the Chinese simply invading. They just need to declare they have intelligence that HK possesses weapons of mass destruction, and nobody would bat an eyelid.

But again, what would Vladimir say? It might be tough for Beijing to get his permission to step in when Moscow might have a better idea how to interfere.

This pretty much leaves us with the problems down at the cable TV office being the only sphere of influence that is possibly left to us. Even so, there are still challenges to be overcome.

Stated in simple terms, it is a problem of an unregulated monopoly. Back in the '70s and '80s, when municipalities all over New England were handing out uncontested contracts to cable TV companies, they never worried about the consequences of creating monopolies.

As a result, being a cable TV consumer today is rather like this:

Suppose you need a couple of loaves of bread and a bottle of cheap red plonk, because you have guests arriving from out of state. So you go down to the supermarket and put these three items in your basket and head for the checkout.

“I’ll be home in a few minutes,” you tell yourself optimistically.

Not so fast. At the checkout the clerk notices your few scant purchases, and explains that you can only buy them if you also buy a large spiral-cut ham, four boxes of Shredded Wheat (one printed in Spanish), seven peppers, 15 pounds of frozen pork, four whole baloneys fresh-cut from the baloney tree, a case of toilet paper, 19 lightbulbs, seven boxes of terrible pink Siberian wine, a dozen boxes of a dozen eggs (color your choice!), and a partridge in a pear tree.

“But I only need these three items,” you protest.

“And you can buy them, sir,” he says. “They’re all part of your standard grocery package.”

* * * * *

Speaking of the world and its troubles, I see the British have themselves a new prime minister.

In a system that has been described as making the U.S. Electoral College look like a system created by angels for the blessing of a nation of saints by comparison, the British electorate never actually votes for a prime minister.

Instead, he or she is chosen in a month-long night-time ceremony conducted at Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain, with participants dressed in white sheets and funny noses, or simply nothing at all. On the fourth night of the third week, if there are no clouds, the first person who has been ritually cleansed by being thrashed for an hour with raw mistletoe, and upon whom the seventh moonbeam falls within half an hour either side of teatime, is chosen as the candidate.

This person is then wreathed in holly and sent by coach and horses to meet with the Arch-druidess at midnight the next day, there to ritually insult the leader by telling her an inappropriate joke. She responds by ritually slapping the candidates across both cheeks, drawing off a pint of the victim’s blood (which will be used to baptize the next half-dozen Royal Babies), and then proclaiming a new prime minister by burning the holly in which the new PM is still wreathed, and the smoke going up her chimney.

See! We could have a system as simple yet as interesting as this here in the States, but it has been argued with some justice (by the ever-vigilant Mitchovitch) that this would make it deeply difficult for the Russians to interfere in the process.

* * * * *

Much has been said about Air B&Bs in our beloved Lime City, but has there ever been anything like this?

A certain foodist arrived in Rockland last week from Portland, Ore. She was booked in for just one night, as her only reason for coming to town was to eat dinner at Primo’s, the restaurant of much renown just this side of the Owls Head town line.

Such loyalty and devotion to food!

I understand, via my network of national security contacts, that Mitchovitch did indeed hope to interfere with this brilliant dining plan, but unfortunately he was at a secret mandatory gathering of covert operatives (pointy hats optional) at the Russian Embassy at the time, and was unable to put his machinery into timely operation.

Just another opportunity lost to make America great again.

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Comments (1)
Posted by: Patrick Michael Florance | Aug 03, 2019 12:13

Thank you, David ! Great article , as usual.


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