How to find a relationship

By Marc Felix and Kathrin Seitz | Jul 21, 2010
Marc Felix and Kathrin Seitz

The Nature of Relationships will begin exploring how individuals find relationships, in advance of a workshop that Kathrin Seitz and Marc Felix will hold on Oct. 17.


Marc's answer

They're waiting in line at the post office. Two single, lonely people who both want to be in a relationship. And they are actually quite compatible, only they don't know it. Both of them yearn for a satisfying relationship. And they're standing within two feet of each other. She doesn't really see him because he doesn't resemble the fantasy she's had for years of the man she wants to be with. And he doesn't really see her because she doesn't match the image of his dream girl, the image that he's created with the help of a billion dollars worth of advertising aimed at him from magazines, movies and TV shows. Besides, he's a little shy. If they would only speak to each other, they would discover how much they have in common and how much fun they could have together. But today he just picks up his package and she just buys her stamps. They go their separate ways without a word. They each spend the evening feeling isolated and alone.

Does this sound familiar? It's the sad story of so many people every day. Why does it happen this way? Can we learn to do it differently? There are lots of answers to why it happens this way and we'll look at them in the next few articles. The answer to "can we learn to do it differently?" is yes. Yes, we can learn to do it differently. We know a lot about how and why some people continue to be lonely while others find romance.

After years of working with people, I've come to see that the first thing to do is become aware of our beliefs about relationship. More than anything else, it's old limiting beliefs that get in the way of finding new relationships. What are some of your beliefs about relationship? Can you see how they might limit you? It's valuable to sit with a friend, or better yet a group of friends, and discuss this.

In my clients, students and workshop participants, I've seen again and again that people's old history gets in their way. Old history needs to be cleared out and resolved. After healing the past you need to get clear about what you want. What you really want. Then you must learn to open your heart.

Finding a relationship isn't an accidental or random process. While there's a part of finding a relationship that will always be a beautiful mystery, touched by grace and destiny, there are lots of things you can intentionally do to invite relationship into your life. The next few articles will show you how.


Kathrin's answer

Marc is right. Finding a relationship takes focus as well as a willingness to let go of old patterns. I tell all girlfriends and clients who want to find a partner, "You have to think of it as a job." If you put your desire to connect with a partner into the universe, then you have to do the work to get what you want. This might include setting time aside to begin to get to know yourself and your closely held beliefs. And as Marc suggests, becoming conscious of old patterns and beliefs might be a task best explored with friends.

While amusing, it can also be an intimidating experience. It's amazing how many prejudices we have buried beneath the surface of our conscious mind. If you're a woman looking for a man, for example, you might discover, in this process, that you don't like men with blond hair, or men who wear suits or have a beard. Yet beneath that suit or beard might lurk a wonderful person, the perfect match for you. Or perhaps you dismiss someone because of his or her political beliefs when, in fact, the kind of energy created out of dialogue with someone who disagrees with you might be the fire and excitement you need in a relationship.

My friend Grace hates men with facial hair, as she calls it, yet she allowed herself to become involved with a bearded man, who, other than having facial hair is a wonderful man and a perfect match for Grace. And here's the kicker. One night, Glen, as we shall call him, arrived for his date with Grace with a clean-shaven face. He chose to please and surprise Grace by this sacrifice. What a difference! There was a fabulously handsome man hidden behind the beard. Imagine if Grace hadn't taken the risk of putting aside her prejudice.

My friend Jane, a rabid Democrat, surprised herself by becoming involved with a Republican. God forbid. She is sure her parents are turning over in their graves. She says she got involved with Forrest because she worked with him and liked him and didn't suspect that he was from across the aisle. Now that they are married, she will admit that this cross-pollination has been beneficial to her. She has broadened as a thinker and enlarged her world. How good is that!

So take a moment and explore your hidden prejudices. Just like our friends in the post office in Marc's story, you may be keeping yourself from something extraordinary. Blinded by your own beliefs, often beneath your conscious mind, you may be denying yourself the pleasure of a satisfying relationship.



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