How to detect a Canadian spy

By David Grima | Jun 14, 2018

Prepare ye for war!

I have been sounding the alarm about the Canadians for years, and have tried until I was blue in the face to talk our Beloved Leader, Lord Prez Trumpleton, into building a 10-mile-high defensive wall along the northern border, but nothing has come of my valiant efforts.

Now it seems that war with our sneaky northern neighbor is imminent, as the entire Canadian Army masses just the other side of the Maine border in a small roadside café.

Recent tensions between the U.S. and our wicked neighbor “up there” have been made worse ever since their so-called prime minister objected to our unilateral imposition of trade tariffs on Canadian exports to our country. The sheer nerve of the man!

After holding secret talks in Singapore this week, Lord Trumpleton tells me that North Korea, our newest Dear Ally in the complex mess of modern world affairs, is planning to send troops and nuclear weapons to Maine to help defend us against the threat from the Monstrous Canadians.

Furthermore, the Lord Prez is also working tirelessly to arrange for troops commanded by our other welcome new ally, Vladimir Putin, the Emperor of Russia, to be deployed in Aroostook County as a perpetual symbol of the undying brotherhood between our Two Great Nations.

Meanwhile, U.S. preparations for war against our many historic enemies continue. Britain, France, Italy, Spain, India, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, Poland, Belgium, Portugal, Libya, Egypt, Israel, Tunisia, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Bulgaria, Hungary, Lithuania, Estonia, Iceland, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Finland, Japan, Fiji, Mexico, Nigeria, Turkey, Argentina, Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, Iran, Bolivia, Romania, South Africa, Holland, Somalia, Ethiopia, Uganda, Ceylon, Ireland, Bengal, Andorra, Monte Carlo, Malta, Liberia, Albania, Luxembourg, the Philippines, Macedonia, Haiti, Cuba, Honduras, Costa Rica, Austria, Cyprus, Crete, New Guinea, Morocco, Kenya, Iraq, Syria, Zimbabwe, Botswana, Ghana, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Chile, Thailand, Lebanon, Indonesia, Myanmar, Micronesia, Vietnam, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Mongolia, China, Switzerland (especially them), and several other wicked nations that crawl upon the face of the Earth, had all better watch out. We’re coming for you next, boys and girls.

* * * * *

A friend visited me last week at the concrete towers at the foot of Mechanic Street, where I am forced to live, and expressed Shock and Awe at the amount of construction and renovation going on in the South End near the harbor these days.

One can reasonably assume, with the recent passing of 58-year South End resident Mrs. Newty Chambers, that her house by Sandy Beach will soon also be drawn into the ferment of redevelopment that has swept like the mighty Canadian Army through the neighborhood recently.

* * * * *

I saw a June bug on June 1, and several since. It seems a sensible thing to mention, as there is a risk that the Canadians will use special electronic insects fitted with listening devices to infiltrate our communities.

* * * * *

Speaking of international tensions, we must recognize the very real threat of foreign agents in our Beloved State. Mrs. H. reports that on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend she came across two British people speaking furtively in a corner at Hannaford in Rockland.

As best she could understand their almost impenetrable alien accents, she was able to figure out that both men were clearly not pleased that they are always being mistaken for Australians, which is like an American being mistaken for a Canadian. Deeply offensive.

However, one of them was almost beside himself with mild annoyance that he had once been mistaken for a German, too.

“My grandfather would roll over in his grave,” he said in a very miffed tone of voice.

"Oh no,” said the other one. “Oh, bother.”

* * * * *

We need all our citizens to be as vigilant as Mrs. H. at the moment, for if war does come from the north you can bet your last Canadian penny that they will try to slip agents into the country via Maine.

The best advice I can offer about how to detect a Canadian spy is to ask him or her to say “He ran about in the outhouse after the trout that was suffering from a bout of gout.”

This specially devised security test sentence includes all the sounds that Canadians cannot properly say.

* * * * *

As tensions are ratcheted up and war threatens, the U.S. State Department has begun to take an interest in potential subversives in the South End. Neighbor Mrs. M. tells me she recently heard from State, inquiring about some foreign guy who writes in the local paper.

I don’t think it will be very long before this scoundrel is taken away in handcuffs and put into an internment camp, purely for his own protection, of course.

I hear these new concentration camps are being built all over the place down in Washington County, to accommodate all the people (spies probably) from the countries that bear us no good will. (See a partial list above.)

I understand that specially selected Japanese-American volunteers will run these camps, as a gesture of absolute loyalty to Lord Trumpleton’s government.

* * * * *

Until the first bombs begin to fall, the good people of Rockland are committed to bravely going about their lives as though there were no threat hanging over us daily. The annual Summer Solstice party is all set for this Saturday afternoon on Main Street, for example.

I hope to see you there. It could be the last hurrah for all of us.

Comments (4)
Posted by: Roger Tranfaglia | Jun 15, 2018 16:26


Posted by: Donald Mills | Jun 15, 2018 08:38

I am a good Canadian at my office. Each morning I check my news sources, before beginning to design the next plot against "those people" to the South of us. I saw the headline, and could not resist immediately clicking on it to see what schemes were afoot.

It was most embarrassing, as coffee flew all over my work sheets, and staff came running to see what the hysterical laughter was all about.

I just love this guy, and his wicked sense of humour (note the spelling - another aberration!). Don't have the opportunity to read this every day, as working for a living has its down side, but when I do, he is on my "to do" list.

May he go on forever (or at least as long as I have a computer and can read my mail).


Don Mills, your next door neighbour.

Posted by: Mary A McKeever | Jun 14, 2018 17:38

David, you never seem to amaze me. Tongue in cheek and so much sarcasm leaves me laughing. Keep up the good smears! I will be forever a faithful reader. You make me laugh.

Mary "Mickey" McKeever +:)

Posted by: Susan Barnard | Jun 14, 2018 14:32

I think he must be quite mad. Is there nothing anybody can do to help him? Or is he telling us things we do not want to know about?


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