Homeward Bound

By Kit Hayden | May 27, 2016
Looking Up

We all have to die. The other night, sometime in October, I woke up and the torpedo I was lying on split in half. On one side was a feeling of hopeless depression. On the other side was a feeling a vague optimism. The main feeling was that I hadn’t the slightest idea where I was. I must have made a ruckus because somebody came to help. I’m told I said, “Please come. I don’t want to die alone.” And it was cold. The positive side said, “Don’t give in.” The negative said, “You’ve been there.” At that point I went to sleep, not knowing where I was or who I was. Nothing was familiar. My house had shrunk to five feet wide. I was holding nobody. I had no ambition. But chiefly I was terrified and couldn’t express myself. And this has been going on for months.

One expects these little nightmares to vanish. It has to do with anxiety. The doctor advised two drugs, one of which was for the pain, the other for anxiety. They did seem to help, but little. And then there is the issue of the cancer hovering over everything. This is where it started. First there was radiation and then chemotherapy, which lasted five months. According to the doctor, it “helped” by shrinking the tumors. Was it just a distraction?

Today I lined up my teddy bears and lectured them about the importance of morality, integrity. I have started an “improving” book recommended by a friend. Everyone is doing all they can to make me feel at home. As my sister has pointed out, Damariscotta is a good place. Maybe this is the start of a turn around. I hope so. Spring has sprung.

Comments (0)
If you wish to comment, please login.