Happiness in modern America

By David Grima | Oct 11, 2018

Ten percent of the 2,400 adults who are “guests of the people” in our state prison system are women, according to a deputy commissioner of corrections, a fact which suggests that 90 percent of them are not.

This leads us to an astonishing set of possible conclusions. Either men in Maine are 90 percent more crooked than women, or women are 90 percent better at concealing their crimes and/or avoiding capture.

* * * * *

Fashionable Bob reported to me in a state of some excitement Saturday evening that he had seen a remarkable aircraft running around in the sky above his house in Owls Head.

It took me some time to reassure him it was probably not the government looking for him, or at least not him particularly, although his paranoia is certainly understandable.

That $2 parking ticket he got in Bath back in 1962 must be worth quite a bit of money by now with interest and penalties, and I am sure he suspected the aircraft was being used in a last-ditch effort to collect.

By his description it was clear to me what sort of airplane he had seen, however, and on Sunday morning I saw it myself when it was zooming in circles above the ‘Keag Store in South Thomaston, this time obviously looking for Bob.

It is a Boeing Osprey tilt-rotor military transport as used by the Marines, designed to work like both a helicopter and an airplane, depending on the mood and inclination of the pilot. I don’t know that we have seen one around here before, although it is possible I missed an earlier manifestation. Just what it was doing last weekend (other than looking for Bob) I can only speculate.

Bob was taking no chances. He spent the remainder of the weekend wearing twigs in his hair, to make himself less visible from the sky.

* * * * *

Speaking of twigs in one’s hair, I see the number of scarecrows being installed on Main Street is growing steadily.

Jolly good stuff.

* * * * *

Uncle Ed mentioned Sunday that his pal down in Connecticut is suggesting a nationwide boycott of Maine products, such as lobster and blueberries, to tweak Sen. Susan Collins’ ears just a little bit after her vote in favor of U.S. Supreme Court nominee Judge Bert Caterwaul.

I said this would be most unfortunate. Surely that poor man has suffered enough? Having to break down in floods of tears on national television, just to get a job paying a piddling quarter-million a year for life, must have been really hard for the poor chap. Surely shows his devotion to selfless public service, better than anything else ever could.

Although it seems he will be forever known as the Cry Baby Judge, surely that is a small price to pay for advancing the public good?

It’s not like he will have to do any serious work for the money. Clarence Thomas, who went through a similarly harrowing nomination process back in the Dark Ages of the late 20th century, hasn’t said a word on the court ever since. He still collects his salary.

How hard can that be?

Those of us who wish to express our deep sympathies with Justice Caterwaul would be well advised to set up a fund to keep him permanently supplied with boxes of Kleenex, merely as a symbolic gesture of our permanent goodwill.

As for our dear Susan Collins, the three-million-dollar fund raised by activists to support anyone who will run against her next time suggests an obvious outcome. She should simply resign, and then run against herself.

The money’s already in her purse, for all practical purposes.

* * * * *

Inevitably, given the nature of these recent high-level machinations concerning Poor Judge Caterwaul, the subject came up the very next time our beloved chief executive, who is also a close personal friend, stopped by the concrete towers at the foot of Mechanic Street, where I am forced to live.

In conversation with the Blessed Lord Prez Trumpleton over coffee after church last Sunday morning, we agreed that the key to serenity and personal happiness in modern America is to have very low expectations for our national life.

For example, he reaffirmed for me that he never expected to win the presidency back in 2016, and look what happened! He won! (Possibly you knew that already?)

Anyway, we agreed that the less we expect, the greater the chances we will never be disappointed. Those who have sky-high expectations for the political system will be constantly discouraged, and will live lives of unrelieved anxious misery.

“Detachment is what counts,” said the Lord Prez while refilling his Hannaford paper cup with decaf. “For example, every night before I go to bed, I detach my tie. It really works.”

* * * * *

On a similar subject, the Lord Prez shared with me a recent discovery made by White House archaeologists, in the form of a piece of graffiti uncovered when builders (who obviously should not expect to be paid) were remodeling what was once George Washington’s bathroom last Tuesday morning.

The graffiti says, in effect, that the federal government’s main responsibility is to make sure that ordinary voters never have the last word in the way things are run in America.

It is signed by Geo. Washington, Father of our Country, and by every single president since him down through Calvin Coolidge, whose unhappy successor had the wall plastered over to make a safe room, which was his precaution against being seized and lynched during the early years of the Great Depression by the tyrannical mob that the Founding Fathers so rightly feared.

It is true that Washington never lived in the White House, and that the Ghastly Brits burned the first one down in 1812.

But the Lord Prez assured me that the bathroom wherein the sacred graffiti exists had been removed from its original location for sentimental purposes, and installed in the current White House in the middle of a later century that is now a very long time ago.

Comments (2)
Posted by: Cathy Baker | Oct 12, 2018 20:24

Thank you for reassuring me that I saw what I knew was an Awesome Osprey over the 'Keag on my way home from church last Sun.  What really puzzled me was what the heck it was doing here, since we weren't having an air show at the OHTM, were we?  And there was nada / zip / zilch in the papers, which I read assiduously on Mon., to explain how it got here from Brunswick, where it was apparently supposed to be.  Glad to know that it was just searching the byways for Bohemian Bob.



Posted by: Mary A McKeever | Oct 11, 2018 17:22

WOW! A jumble of thoughts and politics too. I will have to rest awhile before I ponder an answer.

Where would Rockland be without David? His tongue and cheek words raises my soul to chuckles and sometime roaring laughter.

Mary "Mickey" McKeever +:)



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