Freshwater pepperoni pizza

By David Grima | Aug 16, 2018

Last week I wrote about how it might be interesting to have a book telling how famous people died, and referred to the death by electrocution of an American Catholic monk, Thomas Merton.

For my sins I received a note from a reader called Hugh Turley, co-author of the book “The Martyrdom of Thomas Merton: An Investigation,” published in March, in which he proposes that Merton’s death in Thailand in 1968 was not an accident, rather that certain efforts were made to cover up a murder.

* * * * *

I am assured by certain persons from Owls Head (a town said to be visible from here on a clear day) that a giant Lion’s Mane jellyfish was spotted at Crescent Beach recently; who also claimed that this monstrous assertion was backed by an allegedly genuine photo on the all-knowing internet.

This allegation reminded me of a Sherlock Holmes story, published in 1926, in which a Lion’s Mane was eventually found by the great detective to have been responsible for a particularly grizzly death by the shore somewhere in England.

I inspected the photo which had been entered as evidence for the Owls Head appearance, but in my expert opinion it only appeared to show a floating pepperoni pizza of indeterminate dimensions.

The presence of a freshwater pepperoni pizza in the salt ocean near here would indeed be unusual, and also dangerous, for it is well known that great white sharks adore pepperoni and would likely be attracted to the vicinity.

Swimmers beware! We already had an incident in the Blessed South End this summer where a rabid otter came out of the ocean and bit a tourist. We cannot take the risk that rabid pizzas might also pose a threat to public health.

* * * * *

The Bangor Dreadful news last weekend ran an ad for Hobby Lobby, marketing their artificial Christmas trees and related trinkets at 40 percent off.

Who could resist such a bargain, especially in August?

* * * * *

With the current labor shortage threatening to strangle many businesses in Maine, where does Lord Prez Trumpleton think he will find recruits for his proposed United States Space Force?

It’s hard enough to find enough cooks, dishwashers, carpenters and truck drivers. How on earth will he find trained and experienced space fighter pilots?

He only wants a Space Force because, as he explained to me after church, President Reagan used the Force from "Star Wars" to turn all the incoming Russian missiles around and aim them back at Moscow, and thus single-handedly saved the Western World from Communism.

* * * * *

At the flea market in Woolwich last Saturday, members of our expeditionary force found a five-dollar bill that had been issued in September 1853 by the Ship Builders Bank of Rockland.

It would have made a nice present for the historical society, but the asking price of $140 was beyond my immediate resources.

I mentioned this historical find to Uncle Ed over breakfast on Sunday, and he matched it by pulling a pair of rare two-dollar bills from his wallet. It was impressed.

“How much do you want for them?” I asked.

“Ten thousand” he replied.

“Goodbye” I said.

* * * * *

My correspondent Mr. Limerock posted an image on Facebook the other day, showing a teddy bear that had been stitched together from pieces of raw chicken. It was not his handiwork, thank goodness, or else I would be obliged to sever all relations with him; but it seems somebody was genuinely offering these hideous creations via the internet.

Days later the media reported that Facebook had taken steps to prevent sales of this horror, no doubt having discovered that it was a Russian attempt to spread salmonella across our fair country and disrupt the November elections.

With all due deference to my Beloved Prez, our Dear Leader, I am not so sure we need a Space Force so much as we might need a United States Cyber Force, to prevent the wicked Russkies from playing these mean tricks on us via the internet.

As an additional thought, I imagine the USCF would have a definite advantage, as it could probably be competently staffed by most American teenagers.

* * * * *

A keen observer told me last week that the sign announcing the Fourth of July celebration is still standing on Route 1 in Thomaston.

I said I was not too surprised, as this is the same town that once kept its giant plywood Christmas Santa and Elves on display outside the Montpelier mansion until around Memorial Day, rather like those ghostly political campaign signs that stick around for months after the candidate in question has lost the election and utterly faded from the public consciousness.

* * * * *

The concrete towers at the foot of Mechanic Street, where I am forced to live, provide an excellent vantage point for watching all kinds of things that happen in Rockland, particularly here in the South End. For example, the other week I saw two people who were obviously so poor they could only afford a one-wheeled unicycle each with which to get around.

While feeling sorry for them, I also wondered what prevented them from getting together and making at least one decent bicycle out of these two single-wheeled things. It is lack of a cooperative spirit that is killing our poor country these days.

Then this week I saw two people riding one bicycle with two seats on Crescent Street.

They were not the same two people, but they had obviously had the same idea I’d had. I consider this to be perhaps the first sign that things might be looking up for Dear America, after all!

Comments (2)
Posted by: Tom P Jurewitz | Aug 20, 2018 05:43

Great column—thanks for the laughs!

Posted by: Mary A McKeever | Aug 16, 2018 16:39

I laugh as I read and am usually informed between my chuckles! Thanks for the good reads David!

If you wish to comment, please login.