Stoned!

By Kit Hayden | Jan 16, 2014
Photo by: boards.cannabis.com

Newcastle — A senior friend of mine (almost my age) has for years been beset with various maladies which have resulted (in my opinion) in far too many visits to the medicine man.  Potions prescribed have been divers and sundry with little (I expect) idea of the combined effectiveness of such a potpourri.  Suffice it to note that her health remains poorly, and she continues to suffer pain in various parts of her body.

Given that medical marijuana is available and legal in the state, she has decided to experiment with kindly cannabis to relieve her discomfort.  That should help, as any pothead would be quick to reassure us.  Knowing almost nothing about the subject I decided to find out how one goes about securing and succumbing to the winsome weed.

The first step is to get a Maine Certification from a doctor who will endorse, in writing, your qualifying medical condition for the purpose of medical marijuana treatment.  Since doctors are having trouble scraping by these days, given the niggardly reimbursements of Medicare, Medicaid and the like, many are happy to comply for the fee involved.  In Damariscotta where my friend lives, the respected Dr. Li of MMJ Physician Services will set you up for a year, the maximum term allowed by the state, at a cost of $219.  Better news is that at the end of the year, if you wish to remain stoned, the re-up charge is only $149.  Dr. Li is more reasonable than most.

Certificate secured, it’s time to lay hands on the buds.  The most economical way is to grow your own, but how long does this take?  I want it now! As always, the internet offers answers.  From growweedeasy.com I learned that it can take anywhere from 8 weeks to 7+ months, not counting set-up time for equipment and seed purchase.  It depends on how many buds you want produced.  More growth provides more buds.  I would suggest that you don’t rush the process, because state law allows you only six plants.

Where can I get the seeds?  I was surprised to find that they can be ordered on-line from sites like medicalweedbank.com. Unsurprisingly they are quite pricey.  This vendor offers 8 varieties with enticing names like Purple Urkle Fuel, the bestselling Kashmir Kush (currently out-of-stock), Sour Cream (also no longer in stock), Blueberry Seeds (Hurry! Only a few left.).  The last seems a natural for Mainers: “popular due to the unmistakable blueberry taste, and it's superbly pleasant high.”  Unfortunately, there is no seed count for the Blueberry Buds, only the tariff of $75.  Likely, judging from other offerings, the package contains 5 seeds.  Oof!  Keep them away from your parakeet!

If you prefer to buy your buds directly there are a number of dispensaries in Maine, Thomaston being the nearest for my friend.  However, the two reviewers of their product complained that the weed was dry and not of top quality.  Better you grow it.

As I was pursuing this research I came across the term “feminized seeds.”  Oh No!  Feminism even in cannabis culture?  Of course the female plants are what you want; they’re the ones with the buds.  There is also hermaphroditic breeding, which, unfortunately, has the undesirable side effect such that the plant has a propensity for “turning Herman” (developing male branches). (Who was this Herman guy?)  More can be found at cannabisculture.com.

Weedblog.com tells me that there are two types of marijuana plant, Sativa and Indica.  The latter is short and wide, the former tall and slim.  Sativa can grow to a height of 25 feet which makes it a poor choice for growing indoors, or indeed anywhere if you are trying to conceal your misdeeds.  More importantly, the two varieties (sometimes mixed as with Blueberry Seeds or hybridized as with White Window) have different effects on the brain.  Sativa (Kush is one) provides an uplifting, energetic, cerebral high.  It is useful for fighting depression.  Indica (Purple Urkle is one) is the strain commonly given to medical patients.  It will relieve pain, stress, headaches, and relax muscles.

My guess is that my friend will try Indica as it fits her ailments.  As for me, I tend to be cerebral and have been depressed my entire life.  Were I of the mind I should go for Sativa.  Here’s a thought: move to Hawaii (I really enjoyed a visit there last year), get away from the Maine winter and get high on Maui Waui.  One thing though; I quit smoking (no, never did joints) decades ago, and  I don’t want to start again.  Fortunately there’s an out.  I make really terrific brownies.  Could be they’re about to get a whole lot better.

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