Newcastle — Recently I was at the local Rite-Aid waiting to put in a prescription request, and I noticed beside me an extensive display of what you might call “articles de sex.” I was quite taken aback, recalling the days when such things were discretely concealed behind the counter or available from vending machines in seedier men’s rooms. “You’ve come a long way baby!” (No, that was a cigarette.) Such variety! I was tempted to snap a picture for this blog, but then I thought better of it. After all, Rite-Aid’s just trying to make a buck, and I don’t want to get hauled in as a pervert. The experience did, however, inspire me to investigate the subject on the web, even though I recognize the risk of being drowned in unwanted, salacious email.
I brought up www.condomdepot.com. My eye was immediately drawn to “World’s Best Condom Tin.” Eh? They come in “classy bedside tins” now? Try putting that in your wallet. “Sample from all of our winners of the 13th Annual Condom Awards.” Eh? There’s some outfit that sponsors condom awards? What’s it called: “The Happy Hat Awards?” “The Pipe Pull-Over Awards? “The Pecker Poncho Awards?” Is the ceremony on TV? It may be the American way, but I despair of our country’s proclivity to give awards for everything.
The tin includes 3 each of ten favored products, and you have to wonder how long it took the PR guys to come up with the names. My favorites are “Iron Grip” and “Beyond Seven Studded Condoms.” Studded? Is that for making it on the skating rink? Doesn’t sound too comfortable. And, as an added bonus, 2 “Vibrating Johnny condoms.” You’re kidding, right? Nope. This is some sort of battery-operated vibrating ring that fits all and lasts up to thirty minutes. As George Carlen used to say: “High tech sh.t!” You can buy it from Amazon. Say Bezos, is there anything you don’t peddle?
This business sounds pretty complicated, doesn’t it? Despair not. Planned Parenthood offers a video on: “How to Put on a Condom.” Cummon guys, it’s not rocket science.
You’ve doubtless noticed that many products offer customer reviews, usually with a recommendation of one to five stars. Our happy tin is no different. 37 reviews are offered; 32 five star and the rest four star. Wow! Being a natural contrarian I was interested in the less than ecstatic. Among the cons: “Excellent product! Bit disappointed as I did not get the eros lubricant sampler.” Well Mel, you can’t always have it all. “Item is not as pictured. The container has no label on it. Reminds me of an urn.” Oh boy; a funeral urn perhaps? Anonymous commented: “On me, about 90% of the condoms ran small, making me go soft.” Yeah, sure buddy, boast on.
Speaking of size, I was not aware that there were options until a few years ago when I read a story about Planned Parenthood (again), who shipped a couple of boatloads of skins to India. The article said that both large and small sizes were included. Upon distribution they found that nobody asked for the small size. And what did they expect?
Let’s not forget the ladies. Among the hundreds of ribbed, reservoired, bare-skinned, lubricated, free range, organic, crown skinless, studded male constraints there are stimulators for the fairer sex. Rite-Aid offers a few which I investigated, but the selection is limited, an obvious case of gender bias. The trade terms these as “toys.” A good place to find them is www.condomania.com. I was particularly intrigued by a vibrator which appeared to have four “members” which, apparently, could be rotated into the operational position. Perhaps this is again addressing the size issue.
I discussed the toy matter with a friend of mine. She was quite forthright on the subject and told me that according to her sources, you should never buy one that doesn’t include the “rabbit.” So I chased that down. On www.divita.com I found Rabbit Bleu Vibe. That looked to me to be a winner. As further incentive: you have noticed that many sites offer “Customers who bought this item also bought”? In the case of Rabbit Bleu the add-on was organic popcorn kernels. (?) I guess you can work up an appetite.
What the heck, I ordered Rabbit Bleu. This being Valentine’s week I got a great discount and free shipping! I hope she likes it.