Commander Schoolbucks and the Great Wage Heist
It hard to know who can be considered the most irritating character this week, and all I can say is for once it is not me.
Could it be the superintendent of our alleged school system, the captain of the Starship RSU13, who has finagled some deal out of the flock of school board members that will allow him to stop working next month and yet be paid for the rest of the year? I wonder how he pulled that one off; perhaps he promised to twist the tails of all the sheep one at a time if they didn’t give him a large sum of money to just go away. No doubt he is already booking his month or two on a Caribbean beach, where he can laze about all day just listening to the sound of your taxes and mine tinkling into his bank account, one solid gold dubloon at a time. Does the R in RSU13 stand for “ripoff”? Where is Joe Bornstein when you really need him? Nowhere to be found.
Clearly this is all something of an outrage. And it doesn’t say a whole lot about the people we have elected to oversee the starship either. It makes you wonder if democracy is actually supposed to work this badly.
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Or could the real bad people this week be the entire nation of Canada? In my slightly warped opinion they are just as guilty in their own way as our very own wicked Commander Schoolbucks, only their crime rises to an even higher Threat Level. Oh sure, everyone says the Canadians are all sweetness and light, and that they would not say boo to a goose. Come to find, that’s just a clever screen of flying horse feathers, an illusion no doubt produced for them by some mercenary ad agency on Madison Avenue.
The obvious truth is that the Canadians have turned their weather into a weapon and they have aimed it at us. And by us I mean US. Oh yes, they all sit up their smiling politely and drinking Moosehead out of thimbles and quaintly pronouncing the word “out” as “oot”, but the truth is these Evil Elves of the North despise us so much they have declared meteorological war on us, and none of the chumps we rely on for protection aganst an enemy has realized what is going on.
The entire security apparatus of the dear old United States is focused everywhere and anywhere but upon our most serious threat. While the NSA listens in on telephone conversations between Commander Schoolbucks and his travel agent, while the CIA pursues each of Santa’s threadbare reindeer with a Hellfire-missile drone, and while the entire intelligence-gathering might of our security forces is aimed at men wearing different clothes in the Middle East, the Canadians are mounting a Winter Offensive of Normandy proportions — and nobody anywhere has noticed except me!
The first dupes of this Canadian master plan are, naturally, the Tea Patsies in Congress, who have been brainwashed into thinking that we need a fence along the border with Mexico. No we don’t. What we do need is a 10-mile high positronic force field along the entire border with our natural enemies, the Canadians. This will keep their ghastly weaponized weather out, and provide more opportunity for decent US weather to hold sway. By the way, it should be obvious to you all that the people behind the Tea Patsies are the Canadians. They hold contests up there in their frozen tundra to invent the stupidest ideas, and then they sell them to the Tea Patsies at 100 percent mark up.
The greatest political success of the Canadian Winter Offensive is their triumph in cutting heating assistance funds for the most vulnerable of their enemies. The Tea Patsies thought this was a brilliant idea, by the way. They are like that, always deeply impressed with Immediate Effects, yet somewhat unclear about Ultimate Consequences. What the Canadians have really achieved is the disarming of hundreds of thousands of decent US households who are directly on the front line of the imminent Weather Invasion.
It is quite obvious to everyone gathered up here with me at the top of the north tower at the foot Mechanic Street that as soon as the Canadians have neutralized all border states, including ours, with their Weather Weapon, their entire army will follow up and seize vast tracts of our blessed soil. I have proof (sort of) that the First Canadian Lawnmower Division will sweep down from New Brunswick and cut a swathe through our frozen and immobilized defenses, linking up with the Fourth Ottawa Wheelchair Corps somewhere south of Albany, and taking New England and the central states by about next Thursday.
The only way to overcome this Monstrous Threat to National Security is for Congress to authorize the Force Field Fence I have just mentioned, and to enact stiff tariffs on all Canadian atmospheric effects. If Congress is really smart (I understand perfectly well what I just said) it will then approve tax credits for all Mexican weather seeking to get into the US. We must revise current laws to encourage huge convoys of Mexican tractor trailers to drive up the middle of the country and empty their cargoes of warm air into New England and the upper Midwest. Then maybe we will at last build that Mexico-to-Maine transcontinental warm air heating duct which I have been thinking about very carefully for the last 10 minutes.
Victory can still be ours, if only you all listen to me. Then once we have beaten back the Evil Elves of the North, we can turn our attention to the business of Commander Schoolbucks and the Great Wage Heist, who shall be tracked down and hung upside down from a peach tree until all his money falls out of his pockets.
David Grima is a former editor with Courier Publications. He can be reached at david firstname.lastname@example.org.